hormonal

The human body never ceases to amaze me. We are like a tapestry with hundreds and thousands of tiny little threads that interweave to make up the whole. When even one thread gets pulled out of alignment, the tapestry can completely unravel. Likewise, when even one tiny piece of our bodies are out of sync, it affects the whole body – and that makes conception (which is already a slim chance) next to impossible.

I know I have been quiet for about two weeks. Sorry about that. I just need to take some time to get my bearings. You see, my hubby and I thought I was pregnant (ah, how many times have I uttered those words in the past 5 years?), so for one of the weeks, I was too anxious and (naively) hopeful so I didn’t want to write about anything and jinx it. Then, when I got my period, well – the second week was a period of mourning. By now, you would think I would not let myself get too hopeful. I know, it’s kind of a morbid thing to say, but when you wish for something so much and then have to watch the dream get dashed over and over, it really takes a psychological toll.

So, no, I’m not pregnant. But, I think this is a positive step (or at least that’s what I am trying to convince myself of) because of a few reasons:

1. (And, to me, most important,) I was not on any medication that enhances “pregnancy symptoms” (like Clomid). I’ve done that before, and I loathe Clomid because (before I figured out that the drug can make you feel like you’re pregnant when you’re not) I would get so excited only to be so completely wrong.
2. I had stronger symptoms then those times on Clomid.
3. I had symptoms I never had before.

That tells me that the supplements I am taking must be getting all the out-of-whack things in my body straightened out. Not quite there yet, but I must be getting closer, right?

In the meantime I have been instructed to begin checking ovulation. So far this month I haven’t had any indication other than a faint pink line on cycle day 9. Oh, and that’s another thing. My periods seem to be getting closer together. They are averaging 26 days, and I have no clue if this is bad or not. I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m not even ovulating. Or maybe I am ovulating but the hormones are not getting to the level they need to be…

Like the title states: I am hormonal. There are so many hormones that play a part in this process and with my autoimmune disorder, it’s so hard to tell what’s working and what isn’t. Progesterone, estrogen, thyroid hormones, etc. Ugh. And, I have an appointment to check my thyroid levels next week (here’s hoping they’re correct!).

I feel like an old puzzle that you pull out and start to put together, only to find at the very end that the last couple of pieces are missing, and you can’t finish it.

Yep, that’s exactly how I feel.

treading water

A new baby is like the beginning of all things – wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. -Eda J. Le Shan

I think we have all, at one point or another, wanted something so much that it consumes us. The hope becomes a dream, the dream becomes an obsession, and the obsession becomes an all-encompassing addiction.

Addictions hurt.

We start to neglect the ones we love. We start to neglect ourselves. Daily, I have to force myself to remember that I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.  The title of mother does not make up my entire identity, and I should never shove aside those other roles because they are here, and they are now, and there are people who love me and need me to give them my time and my love. I owe them that much, and I cannot free myself to be the best wife (daughter/sister, etc.) possible if all my energy is focused on the one thing I am not.

It isn’t easy. In fact, it may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The desire is so strong inside me that it constantly threatens to burst forth. And, my body has become my worst enemy. When you struggle through infertility, and you want it so bad, you start to see things that aren’t there. Phantom symptoms. Wishful thinking. “I’ve got all the signs, I must be pregnant!”

Infertility treatment makes it no easier. Many of the drugs we take literally enhance PMS symptoms (which, coincidentally, are very similar to pregnancy symptoms. As if things aren’t complicated enough, let’s make those identical!). I can remember taking Clomid before an IUI and then, during the two-week-wait, thinking, “Oh my gosh, I’ve never experienced [enter symptom here] before, this must be it!” Only to be severely disappointed; often after being an entire week late (which I never am).

Yeah, infertility sucks.

Unless you have been through it, infertility is also not an easy thing to describe. I cannot put into words the immense sense of loss and longing. Or, the feeling of being irrevocably broken. The inadequacy, like you have failed your significant other. It’s like treading water in the middle of the ocean. You keep moving your limbs and pray that you see land, but all around you is water. The only thing you can do is try to keep from being pulled under.

try again

Broken pieces.

Shattered dreams in

Remnants, fragments, incomplete.

Hope persists in

Woven threads of

Dreams and wishes long thought dead.

Prayers and vows of

Someday. Maybe.

Wanting more than words can say.

Breathe in. Hold on.

Gather strength to

Pick up.  Brush off.  Try again.

walls

love is stronger than blood

I cannot watch Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercials, nor can I walk through PetSmart during pet adoption days. Everyone has a kryptonite, and animals are mine. I am the girl who falls in love with a dog after the first nanosecond of introduction, who would, given the chance, adopt every single animal I came across. It’s not a compulsion… I just really have a heart for animals. I’ve said on numerous occasions that my pets are my fur babies, and it’s true. They are more than just animals to me. They are my family.

When it comes to children, my reaction is really no different. I cannot hold a baby without them taking a little piece of my heart. Four years as a preschool teacher taught me that even the most seemingly unlovable child will grab onto my heart with grubby little hands and I am just completely head-over-heels.

In high school, I had the opportunity to go with a group in our church to Central America. The whole trip was an experience I will never forget, but one particular scene has dug itself deep into my memories. Just a quick, tiny little thing, but one day we were performing at a school, and there were so many young children around us. A good friend of mine had picked up a little girl, no more than four, and placed her on his hip. Her tiny little arms wrapped around his neck and her big eyes looked up at him while she said something in Spanish. I was taking Spanish for my high school language course, so he looked to me and asked, “What did she say?”

I blinked back tears and replied, “She asked, ‘Would you be my daddy?'”

Only a teenager at that time, yet I wanted to take that little girl home with me. So, naturally, I do not look on the idea of adoption with disdain or trepidation. Would I like to have my own child, my own blood, who looks a bit like my husband and me? Lord knows how much. But does that mean I would be resentful if I had to go the adoption route?

Not a bit.

Families come in all shapes, sizes, and forms. Love is stronger than the blood that binds us. I would love an adopted child no less that one created inside of me. I know that some people don’t feel that way, and that’s fine. We are all created with different things that speak to our hearts. But I do want to try everything in my power to have at least one child through traditional means. I want to have that experience.

I feel I have the right to that.

Maybe I shouldn’t feel that way. God knows better than we do what we need. As much as I want it, maybe I am just not meant to. And I’ll be at peace with that revelation in time.

Just not right now. I can’t give up on that dream just yet.

never give up

glutton for punishment

Pinterest is like crack to me. It may be due to my propensity to plan, or due to my slightly obsessive-compulsive tendencies (DH would argue that they are much more than “slight.” I really don’t know what he’s talking about. I would never — oh, look, that curtain is off by 1/16th of an inch. I must go fix it!).

Regardless of the reason, those little “pins” of ideas call to me. I have become a bit of a pin hoarder, if you will. Okay, maybe not that bad. But, still.

When I first joined Pinterest, I was still in the early stages of trying to conceive. I made myself a baby board because, well, that’s what people do. Happily, I posted anything and everything I could get my hands on: funny, geeky infant clothing (I did mention I am a geek, right?), baby furniture, nursery ideas (lots and lots of Classic Winnie the Pooh, because that is my dream nursery), etc. and so on.

Even after the excitement of becoming a new parent wore off and infertility treatments began, I kept pinning. Why? I haven’t a clue. It did much more harm than good. Those dreaded 2-week waits, and I would swear that I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms and, excited beyond belief, would start more “planning.”

Then my period would come, and that would be the end of that.

Well, until the next month…

It really is a vicious cycle. But, when Pinterest started allowing secret boards, you can bet I jumped all over that (no more people asking, “OMG, are you pregnant?!” every time a baby pin showed up on their feed). I’ve also gotten a lot better about the pins. I only post into it on rare occasions (I can’t help myself. There are some things that are just too gosh-darn cute not to save). And, instead of a public baby board, I have created a public infertility board. Similar to this blog, it gives me an outlet.

Has anyone else had this problem? I’m sure I can’t be the only one. And did you end up removing the boards, or did you just hide them, like me? Part of me thinks that it’s good to still pin occasionally, just to keep the belief alive that one day I’ll get to use all these awesome ideas… Just as long as I don’t get too obsessive about it. 😉

Oh, and for anyone who is interested, my infertility (Pinterest) board is below:

Because reasons.

letting go

“It doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go.” – J.C. Watts

The concept of letting things go is not a new one. But, letting go of what? Once something is in my grasp, I hold it tight and God help the poor sap who tries to take it from me. I have been known to feel intense amounts of uncontrollable anger when someone messes with my plans – even Mother Nature. Especially Mother Nature. She certainly has it out for me, sometimes, and when I cannot blame another human being for when things fall apart, I shake my fist at her and curse. My husband laughs every time he thinks of the weekend we visited the place where we would be getting married. The plan was for both sets of parents to fly down to meet us, and I was thrilled because they would finally be meeting each other. Well, a tropical storm came through and cancelled my in-laws’ flight, so they could not come. I just remember sitting in the rental car, on our way to the hotel, furious tears streaming down my face because “the whole weekend [was] ruined!!!!”.

I do realize this kind of reaction may not be the most healthy thing in the world…

But, I’ve always been that way. When things happened during my childhood that I could not fix, I blamed myself, even though most of the time those things were completely out of my control. Maybe that’s why I have such issues with it. I’m making up for all the times I couldn’t control my life and my circumstances then.

So, what does this have to do with my infertility journey? Everything. Because even in this, I am a control freak. And I’m beginning to realize that holding tight to my circumstance has become detrimental. By gripping my problems in tight fists, how can I ever fully give them over to God?

And so, I have decided to let go.

Yes, I can see the irony in a blog post titled “letting go” on a blog called “Holding onto Dreams.” But this post isn’t about letting go of dreams. This post is about letting go of all the things that, as infertility sufferers, may in fact be holding us back from those dreams. And like the quote above, I don’t want to be weak anymore. I want to be strong. Don’t you? And to do that, we need to let go.

1. Let go of blame
Infertility is not an excuse to play the blame game. No one is at fault. Not your husband. Not your doctor. Not God. And, especially not me or you! We need to stop beating ourselves up over something that we have no control over (see, there’s that C word again). Infertility can happen at any moment and to anyone. There is no rhyme or reason (mostly). Instead of blame, seek comfort and love. Don’t push people away. Hold on tighter. We need all the support we can get through this tough time.

2. Let go of worry and uncertainty
Worry, especially continuous and unrelenting worry, is flat out unhealthy. And, in cases of infertility, downright damaging. I have spent countless hours worrying over what-ifs. What if we never get pregnant? What if I miscarry? What if we spend all this money and go into debt all for nothing? What if we don’t spend all this money and we regret it? What if, what if, what if? It’s enough to drive anyone insane. I for one am done worrying.

3. Let go of the past

Dwelling on what has already happened or wallowing in self-pity because of the cards we have been dealt in life will not change a. single. thing. Focusing on the future and all its infinite possibilities? Now that’s something to hold onto.

4. Let go of anger

This kind of goes with blame. Anger is a release, but it is a destructive one. Find a better channel for release, something that makes you happy and something that helps you to focus on all the wonderful things you already have. Don’t ever forget all the ways you are blessed, because as soon as you do, that’s when the anger and the resentment starts to creep in.

5. Let go of jealousy

Jealousy, like anger, is destructive. It ruins friendships, it breaks apart families – and in a time like this, we NEED those friends and our family to help us through. Don’t feel envy when someone tells you they are pregnant (trust me, I deal with this all the time, so I get it). Instead, be happy for them and try to remember that each person may be hiding a struggle similar to ours. And don’t envy those people because although they may be getting the one thing you want more than anything in the world, they may be struggling in some other (or many other) area(s) in their lives. We don’t know, and we should never assume.

Obviously, that is just the tip of the iceberg, and these things may not be issues you deal with. That said, what other things do you think that would be better off being let go? Feel free to add them in the comments. Or, make a list of your own. Either way, remember that many times we have to lose before we can gain.

ten ways i am blessed

During a random Google search, I found this image and I have to say that the words really hit home. I cannot even begin to think of the number of times I have been so focused on what I don’t have that all the wonderful blessings in my life seemed to fade away, like they didn’t even exist.

So, I want to spend a few moments thinking of all the top 10 wonderful ways God has blessed me. (The list could go on forever, but for time’s sake…)

1. My husband.

Okay, I know y’all are thinking – ugh. How cliche. But it’s true! He is my best friend and my rock, and I love him a little more every day. He has pulled me through so many dark moments, and throughout all of this infertility drama, he has been the one person who understands most what I am going through, because he is going through it, too. I tend to forget that. For as much as I long to be a mother, he longs to be a father. We are in this together.

2. My family.

Another cliche. But, I love my family (and my in-laws!), and I am much luckier than most. My parents are still married, I have wonderful siblings, a gaggle of nieces and nephews to lavish my love on (I love being an aunt!)

3. My pets.

Bet you thought I was going to put my friends next. I thought about it! But, I think my pets deserve a slightly higher ranking because, let’s face it, those of us going through infertility, well… our pets are our furry little children. They know when I am upset and need cuddles, and they know when I need to laugh. They are wonderful stress-relievers, and I honestly don’t know how I would get through all of this without them.

4. My friends.

That’s not to say that my friends aren’t equally as important! They also are supremely supportive. They pray for me and they are sensitive to my needs, especially since most of them are already mothers. A small few have gone through infertility and/or loss of a child (which thankfully I have not experienced), so they really do understand. And I love them all. 🙂

5. My job.

Yep, I’m one of those rare folks who actually loves what they do for a living. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am and God has really helped me to land a wonderful career and I couldn’t be happier with who I work for and with.

6. My hobbies.

I am a huge fan of art and writing, so of course I have to put on here how blessed I am to get to do something I enjoy. Writing and drawing/painting help me to escape (oh, and books – huge bookworm right here!) and they give me a sense of purpose. They help me to get my feelings out so that I can work through them, rather than let them sit and fester (hence why I started this blog!).

7. My health.

Well, mostly. I’m certainly not without my issues (thyroid dysfunction being the top), but overall, I can’t complain. I could be dealing with a whole host of scary, life-threatening illnesses, but nothing I have had to deal with up to this point in my life have been anything near that scary. So, I consider myself very blessed.

8. My dreams.

We all have them. And, although some of the dreams are unfulfilled, I consider it a blessing to have goals to work toward. Without goals, without dreams, what purpose do we have? I always need something to strive toward so that I don’t become complacent. More than anything, I want to learn and grow, to be a better person inside and out.

9. My home.

Honestly, how many people can say that they consider their home a sanctuary? So many people try to escape their homes, not escape TO them. But, I never feel quite as comfortable and as at-peace than I do when I step through my door and greet my little fur babies waiting for me. I love to sit on our back porch and listen to the wind rustle through the trees or watch the sun set. In those moments, I truly feel like nothing can get to me.

10. Today.

It sounds silly, but I am truly blessed to have today. I am trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind so that I don’t forget and start worrying about tomorrow or dwelling on yesterday. After all, all we really have is today. Tomorrow is never a certainty. Yesterday is in the past. So as long as I stay in the present, I don’t feel quite so overwhelmed. I take things one day at a time, and one step at a time, and that keeps me sane.

So, there you have it. There are so many more things I am grateful to have, but I think you get the idea. Now, I recommend you take a moment and write down what YOU are grateful to have. In fact, we should think of things we are grateful for every day, instead of focusing on what we may not. It really makes life a whole lot more enjoyable.