treading water

A new baby is like the beginning of all things – wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. -Eda J. Le Shan

I think we have all, at one point or another, wanted something so much that it consumes us. The hope becomes a dream, the dream becomes an obsession, and the obsession becomes an all-encompassing addiction.

Addictions hurt.

We start to neglect the ones we love. We start to neglect ourselves. Daily, I have to force myself to remember that I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.  The title of mother does not make up my entire identity, and I should never shove aside those other roles because they are here, and they are now, and there are people who love me and need me to give them my time and my love. I owe them that much, and I cannot free myself to be the best wife (daughter/sister, etc.) possible if all my energy is focused on the one thing I am not.

It isn’t easy. In fact, it may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The desire is so strong inside me that it constantly threatens to burst forth. And, my body has become my worst enemy. When you struggle through infertility, and you want it so bad, you start to see things that aren’t there. Phantom symptoms. Wishful thinking. “I’ve got all the signs, I must be pregnant!”

Infertility treatment makes it no easier. Many of the drugs we take literally enhance PMS symptoms (which, coincidentally, are very similar to pregnancy symptoms. As if things aren’t complicated enough, let’s make those identical!). I can remember taking Clomid before an IUI and then, during the two-week-wait, thinking, “Oh my gosh, I’ve never experienced [enter symptom here] before, this must be it!” Only to be severely disappointed; often after being an entire week late (which I never am).

Yeah, infertility sucks.

Unless you have been through it, infertility is also not an easy thing to describe. I cannot put into words the immense sense of loss and longing. Or, the feeling of being irrevocably broken. The inadequacy, like you have failed your significant other. It’s like treading water in the middle of the ocean. You keep moving your limbs and pray that you see land, but all around you is water. The only thing you can do is try to keep from being pulled under.

Video

namesake

I titled this blog, “Holding onto Dreams” because that is what I am attempting to do. This blog is my way of holding onto the hope that someday I will be a mother. The title comes from a line in Nickel Creek’s song, “Where is Love Now?” They are a band I love immensely, and this song (with its haunting melody) really brings home how difficult the journey of infertility can be; especially the second verse.

My goal with this blog is to keep myself sane and grounded, and to keep my hope alive. For those of you who stumble across this while on your own bumpy and stressful road to motherhood, I hope that it helps you, as well, even a little.

Lyrics for the “Where is Love Now?” are below, along with a video (I apologize for the quality – unfortunately Nickel Creek doesn’t have a YouTube video of the song, so this is a live recorded version).

~*~

Where Is Love Now?

If I could wait here for you,
Without hope or knowing what to do…
Watch the light fade away,
Without fear or knowing what to say…
Cry the tears from my eyes.
Leave me here long enough to realize.

Where is love now?
Where is love now,
Out here in the dark?

If I should hold all my dreams,
Through the night of the way life sometimes seems…
And if I can’t see which way to go,
I’ll stay lost in silence ’til I know.
Cry the tears from my eyes.
And leave me here long enough to realize.

Where is love now?
Where is love now,
Out here in the dark?

Cry the tears from my eyes.
Leave me here long enough to realize.

Where is love now?
Where is love now?
Where is love now?
Where is love now,
Out here in the dark?
Out here in the dark?