hormonal

The human body never ceases to amaze me. We are like a tapestry with hundreds and thousands of tiny little threads that interweave to make up the whole. When even one thread gets pulled out of alignment, the tapestry can completely unravel. Likewise, when even one tiny piece of our bodies are out of sync, it affects the whole body – and that makes conception (which is already a slim chance) next to impossible.

I know I have been quiet for about two weeks. Sorry about that. I just need to take some time to get my bearings. You see, my hubby and I thought I was pregnant (ah, how many times have I uttered those words in the past 5 years?), so for one of the weeks, I was too anxious and (naively) hopeful so I didn’t want to write about anything and jinx it. Then, when I got my period, well – the second week was a period of mourning. By now, you would think I would not let myself get too hopeful. I know, it’s kind of a morbid thing to say, but when you wish for something so much and then have to watch the dream get dashed over and over, it really takes a psychological toll.

So, no, I’m not pregnant. But, I think this is a positive step (or at least that’s what I am trying to convince myself of) because of a few reasons:

  1. (And, to me, most important,) I was not on any medication that enhances “pregnancy symptoms” (like Clomid). I’ve done that before, and I loathe Clomid because (before I figured out that the drug can make you feel like you’re pregnant when you’re not) I would get so excited only to be so completely wrong.
  2. I had stronger symptoms then those times on Clomid.
  3. I had symptoms I never had before.

That tells me that the supplements I am taking must be getting all the out-of-whack things in my body straightened out. Not quite there yet, but I must be getting closer, right?

In the meantime I have been instructed to begin checking ovulation. So far this month I haven’t had any indication other than a faint pink line on cycle day 9. Oh, and that’s another thing. My periods seem to be getting closer together. They are averaging 26 days, and I have no clue if this is bad or not. I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m not even ovulating. Or maybe I am ovulating but the hormones are not getting to the level they need to be…

Like the title states: I am hormonal. There are so many hormones that play a part in this process and with my autoimmune disorder, it’s so hard to tell what’s working and what isn’t. Progesterone, estrogen, thyroid hormones, etc. Ugh. And, I have an appointment to check my thyroid levels next week (here’s hoping they’re correct!).

I feel like an old puzzle that you pull out and start to put together, only to find at the very end that the last couple of pieces are missing, and you can’t finish it.

Yep, that’s exactly how I feel.

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love is stronger than blood

I cannot watch Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercials, nor can I walk through PetSmart during pet adoption days. Everyone has a kryptonite, and animals are mine. I am the girl who falls in love with a dog after the first nanosecond of introduction, who would, given the chance, adopt every single animal I came across. It’s not a compulsion… I just really have a heart for animals. I’ve said on numerous occasions that my pets are my fur babies, and it’s true. They are more than just animals to me. They are my family.

When it comes to children, my reaction is really no different. I cannot hold a baby without them taking a little piece of my heart. Four years as a preschool teacher taught me that even the most seemingly unlovable child will grab onto my heart with grubby little hands and I am just completely head-over-heels.

In high school, I had the opportunity to go with a group in our church to Central America. The whole trip was an experience I will never forget, but one particular scene has dug itself deep into my memories. Just a quick, tiny little thing, but one day we were performing at a school, and there were so many young children around us. A good friend of mine had picked up a little girl, no more than four, and placed her on his hip. Her tiny little arms wrapped around his neck and her big eyes looked up at him while she said something in Spanish. I was taking Spanish for my high school language course, so he looked to me and asked, “What did she say?”

I blinked back tears and replied, “She asked, ‘Would you be my daddy?'”

Only a teenager at that time, yet I wanted to take that little girl home with me. So, naturally, I do not look on the idea of adoption with disdain or trepidation. Would I like to have my own child, my own blood, who looks a bit like my husband and me? Lord knows how much. But does that mean I would be resentful if I had to go the adoption route?

Not a bit.

Families come in all shapes, sizes, and forms. Love is stronger than the blood that binds us. I would love an adopted child no less that one created inside of me. I know that some people don’t feel that way, and that’s fine. We are all created with different things that speak to our hearts. But I do want to try everything in my power to have at least one child through traditional means. I want to have that experience.

I feel I have the right to that.

Maybe I shouldn’t feel that way. God knows better than we do what we need. As much as I want it, maybe I am just not meant to. And I’ll be at peace with that revelation in time.

Just not right now. I can’t give up on that dream just yet.

letting go

“It doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go.” – J.C. Watts

The concept of letting things go is not a new one. But, letting go of what? Once something is in my grasp, I hold it tight and God help the poor sap who tries to take it from me. I have been known to feel intense amounts of uncontrollable anger when someone messes with my plans – even Mother Nature. Especially Mother Nature. She certainly has it out for me, sometimes, and when I cannot blame another human being for when things fall apart, I shake my fist at her and curse. My husband laughs every time he thinks of the weekend we visited the place where we would be getting married. The plan was for both sets of parents to fly down to meet us, and I was thrilled because they would finally be meeting each other. Well, a tropical storm came through and cancelled my in-laws’ flight, so they could not come. I just remember sitting in the rental car, on our way to the hotel, furious tears streaming down my face because “the whole weekend [was] ruined!!!!”.

I do realize this kind of reaction may not be the most healthy thing in the world…

But, I’ve always been that way. When things happened during my childhood that I could not fix, I blamed myself, even though most of the time those things were completely out of my control. Maybe that’s why I have such issues with it. I’m making up for all the times I couldn’t control my life and my circumstances then.

So, what does this have to do with my infertility journey? Everything. Because even in this, I am a control freak. And I’m beginning to realize that holding tight to my circumstance has become detrimental. By gripping my problems in tight fists, how can I ever fully give them over to God?

And so, I have decided to let go.

Yes, I can see the irony in a blog post titled “letting go” on a blog called “Holding onto Dreams.” But this post isn’t about letting go of dreams. This post is about letting go of all the things that, as infertility sufferers, may in fact be holding us back from those dreams. And like the quote above, I don’t want to be weak anymore. I want to be strong. Don’t you? And to do that, we need to let go.

1. Let go of blame
Infertility is not an excuse to play the blame game. No one is at fault. Not your husband. Not your doctor. Not God. And, especially not me or you! We need to stop beating ourselves up over something that we have no control over (see, there’s that C word again). Infertility can happen at any moment and to anyone. There is no rhyme or reason (mostly). Instead of blame, seek comfort and love. Don’t push people away. Hold on tighter. We need all the support we can get through this tough time.

2. Let go of worry and uncertainty
Worry, especially continuous and unrelenting worry, is flat out unhealthy. And, in cases of infertility, downright damaging. I have spent countless hours worrying over what-ifs. What if we never get pregnant? What if I miscarry? What if we spend all this money and go into debt all for nothing? What if we don’t spend all this money and we regret it? What if, what if, what if? It’s enough to drive anyone insane. I for one am done worrying.

3. Let go of the past

Dwelling on what has already happened or wallowing in self-pity because of the cards we have been dealt in life will not change a. single. thing. Focusing on the future and all its infinite possibilities? Now that’s something to hold onto.

4. Let go of anger

This kind of goes with blame. Anger is a release, but it is a destructive one. Find a better channel for release, something that makes you happy and something that helps you to focus on all the wonderful things you already have. Don’t ever forget all the ways you are blessed, because as soon as you do, that’s when the anger and the resentment starts to creep in.

5. Let go of jealousy

Jealousy, like anger, is destructive. It ruins friendships, it breaks apart families – and in a time like this, we NEED those friends and our family to help us through. Don’t feel envy when someone tells you they are pregnant (trust me, I deal with this all the time, so I get it). Instead, be happy for them and try to remember that each person may be hiding a struggle similar to ours. And don’t envy those people because although they may be getting the one thing you want more than anything in the world, they may be struggling in some other (or many other) area(s) in their lives. We don’t know, and we should never assume.

Obviously, that is just the tip of the iceberg, and these things may not be issues you deal with. That said, what other things do you think that would be better off being let go? Feel free to add them in the comments. Or, make a list of your own. Either way, remember that many times we have to lose before we can gain.