The human body never ceases to amaze me. We are like a tapestry with hundreds and thousands of tiny little threads that interweave to make up the whole. When even one thread gets pulled out of alignment, the tapestry can completely unravel. Likewise, when even one tiny piece of our bodies are out of sync, it affects the whole body – and that makes conception (which is already a slim chance) next to impossible.

I know I have been quiet for about two weeks. Sorry about that. I just need to take some time to get my bearings. You see, my hubby and I thought I was pregnant (ah, how many times have I uttered those words in the past 5 years?), so for one of the weeks, I was too anxious and (naively) hopeful so I didn’t want to write about anything and jinx it. Then, when I got my period, well – the second week was a period of mourning. By now, you would think I would not let myself get too hopeful. I know, it’s kind of a morbid thing to say, but when you wish for something so much and then have to watch the dream get dashed over and over, it really takes a psychological toll.

So, no, I’m not pregnant. But, I think this is a positive step (or at least that’s what I am trying to convince myself of) because of a few reasons:

  1. (And, to me, most important,) I was not on any medication that enhances “pregnancy symptoms” (like Clomid). I’ve done that before, and I loathe Clomid because (before I figured out that the drug can make you feel like you’re pregnant when you’re not) I would get so excited only to be so completely wrong.
  2. I had stronger symptoms then those times on Clomid.
  3. I had symptoms I never had before.

That tells me that the supplements I am taking must be getting all the out-of-whack things in my body straightened out. Not quite there yet, but I must be getting closer, right?

In the meantime I have been instructed to begin checking ovulation. So far this month I haven’t had any indication other than a faint pink line on cycle day 9. Oh, and that’s another thing. My periods seem to be getting closer together. They are averaging 26 days, and I have no clue if this is bad or not. I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m not even ovulating. Or maybe I am ovulating but the hormones are not getting to the level they need to be…

Like the title states: I am hormonal. There are so many hormones that play a part in this process and with my autoimmune disorder, it’s so hard to tell what’s working and what isn’t. Progesterone, estrogen, thyroid hormones, etc. Ugh. And, I have an appointment to check my thyroid levels next week (here’s hoping they’re correct!).

I feel like an old puzzle that you pull out and start to put together, only to find at the very end that the last couple of pieces are missing, and you can’t finish it.

Yep, that’s exactly how I feel.


my holistic journey

I mentioned in an earlier post that my dear husband (DH) and I decided to forgo further infertility treatments until we exhaust all avenues to get my body as baby-ready as possible.holistic1

To date, I have:

1. Lost 30 pounds

Ten of those pounds I lost twice – once before vacation, and once after vacation when I gained it back and had to lose it again. 😉 Seriously, though, I’m feeling better than I have in a while. More energy (and we work out like fiends six days a week!), better attitude, less brain-fog… the list goes on. While I’m not where I want to be, even this small improvement is a very positive thing, I think.

2. Gone gluten-and-casein free

We-ell… 99% gluten-free. It’s not so easy! But I honestly feel so much better when I am NOT eating gluten. And, no, I’m not doing this as part of the fad “gluten-free diet.” I have a legitimate intolerance to the stuff. I do NOT have celiac disease – and for that I am extremely grateful! But while gluten intolerance is on the mild end of the spectrum of gluten issues, there’s really something to it. Apparently it’s most common for people with an autoimmune disease (lucky us!). I’ve been doing immense amounts of research on it, and I’ll probably do a series of posts on gluten-intolerance, autoimmune disorders, and infertility. But, I digress.

3. Begun taking supplements

And I’m not talking about a couple of supplements. I’ve been seeing a licensed pharmacist in our area who has a holistic compounding pharmacy. He has been working with me to find a customized plan to fix many of the underlying issues I have that are linked to having hypothyroidism (low body temperature, acne/skin issues, things like that). I have to say, it’s really working well! I started with a body temp in the low 97s, and now I average 98.4-98.6! Huge improvement. My skin has been clearing up, as well, which is a plus. I mean, come on, who likes to be 30 and still have acne?

4. Started focusing on the positive

Let’s face it, one of the hardest parts of being infertile is keeping an optimistic outlook. So, that’s definitely something I’ve begun working on. When I start dwelling on the negatives, I force myself to think of things that make me happy and that I am blessed with (often going back to my post on ten ways i am blessed to remind me!)

That being said, I had my follow-up appointment with the pharmacist on Tuesday. He seemed really happy about the good results I am having, and we are going to add ovulation tests to make sure I am actually ovulating. My cycles are, in general, like clockwork, but that doesn’t necessarily equal ovulation. So, that starts this month. In the midst of all that, I’ll continue to work on the other points above. And, celebrating six years with my DH this week is just another reason to be blissfully happy. 🙂