friday rant: keeping focus

Since deciding that I need to focus all my energy, for now, not on getting pregnant but on making myself pregnancy-ready, I have been feeling more positive about things. I have lost a total of 30 lbs in the past year, which is a big deal for me. I’ve started taking a lot of supplements (under medical supervision) to help fix a lot of deficiencies I have because of my thyroid dysfunction. I have gone gluten-free and (mostly) dairy-free because of a newly-discovered gluten intolerance (yet another side-effect of an autoimmune disorder).

Frankly, I have been feeling wonderful! My hubby and I work out almost every day of the week, and we exercise like fiends. Running, walking, aerobics, strength/resistance training… you name it, we do it all. But, that’s not even what this post is about. No, this post is about when other people say things that (on-purpose or not) threaten to derail all my good intentions.

I have friends and family members who have recently told me of their pregnancies, and I am sincerely happy for them. However, during conversations there are times when I have to mentally force myself not to read more into things that are said. And, I have to bite my tongue more often than not lest the angry green monster rears its ugly head. How many times have I wanted to say, “I’ll trade you!” or make some snide remark whenever people complain about their pregnancy. Complaining about the physical hardships of pregnancy is a rite of passage, I get that – and when I am pregnant (Lord willing) I will be oh-so-happy to join in with the masses gone before me who have whined about swollen feet and morning sickness. But right now, it’s hard to be on the other end of the fence looking in and wanting, needing, hoping, and trying not to feel bitter.

At those moments, all my focus goes right out of all the good strides I am making and I begin to focus on my infertility again, and how unfair it all is, and why does she get to have her second child, third child (hell, even first child) after only a short time of trying (and for me, a short time is anything less than 2 years) when I can’t even have my first after FIVE. LONG. YEARS? I want to just stop all the good things I was doing and just wallow in self pity. I wanted to throw in the towel.

But, do you know what? I’ve been getting better. When those thoughts start to creep in, I put on some loud, happy music, and I shove aside all that negative energy. Because what I am doing is more than just about getting pregnant (though that is a huge motivation). It is about making myself better, more whole, and more healthy. I can’t control my infertility. But I can control how I deal with it, and the parts of my infertility I can control that *may* help in the long run, I am choosing to focus on those.

The rest, I just have to keep giving to God and have faith.

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